Movinig on

Once again, I realize, I’m at a stepping stone in life. I thought I had things sorted out. I assumed I was emotionally stable. Yet here I am floundering in emotional turmoil.

Another questionable relationship. What are the intentions? What are the expectations? What is the desired outcome? What do you want from this?

The answer, “If I didn’t want to be with you, I wouldn’t be here.”

Ughhhh!!! Not the acceptable answer!! For the love of Christ, how hard is it to tell someone you want them in your life? Like I don’t get it.

I’ve had what I considered to be the love of my life. Everything was perfect, except her mental health. Now three and a half years later I’m still here trying to find someone I can love the way I loved her.

As I’m typing this, I’m realizing our love was not a reciprocal unconditional. That to this day cuts new wounds. She would have rather died at her own accord than be here living with me. Ouch, that stings.

Ok, so apparently I’m not fully recovered from that loss. Who’s to say when one ever is? But I’m TRYING!

I just want that person that says, I pick you. I want you. Is that so hard?

I’ve been through three relationships since the loss of my wife. Each has helped me recover and grow.

The first one helped with the immediate impact. Held me through the constant distraught and tears. The second made me believe it was okay to trust again. I accepted the loss. I realized I no longer had to carry that weight with me. The third, well I thought it was legit and had a chance. I was wrong.

Apparently, I attract toxic people. I never measure up to what they desire. Im over it! I refuse to accept that outcome! I am better than someone’s tic marks. If I don’t fit in your box, politely move along. I’m no longer willing to contort to fit someone’s mold.

I am me. I am a strong, independent female. I will no longer allow myself to be broken or mistreated. Your flaws are NOT my fault or responsibility to fix.

I will keep growing. I will not settle.

The Grief

Nearly two years later, it’s still here. It hasn’t gone away. It hasn’t gotten easier. The void of that first moment. The I’m still here in the second. The tears. The guilt. The irrational guilt. They return with a crushing vengeance. Every time they knock me on my ass.

I wrote myself a few notes today. “It’s not my fault.” “I couldn’t have stopped it. “You did everything you could.” These are all things to I currently need to say. I have to stop the questions of how the situation could have been changed.

I know, rationally, you suffered from mental illness. I know you were sick. I know this was a long thought out decision. I, now looking back, know this was your plan for a long time. I know you suffered. I know you didn’t see a possible way for there to be a future.

I now have to train my brain to grasp and accept nothing I could have done would have saved you. I did the absolute best I could. I took you to doctors. I took you to counseling sessions. I reassured you it would get better.

I know in your grand scheme of things you never wanted anyone to suffer through your illness with you. I know you had no idea the trauma, pain or guilt your last decision would have on me.

I am still just as broken today as I was the day you died. I have to heal. I have to move forward. I have to learn. It was not my fault. I could not have stopped it. I did everything I could.

A New Life

I have a new life. I have a life without you. A life I never imagined possible with anyone but you. Yet, I oddly smile at the thought you have your hand in it.

You knew I was strong for you. I would be strong for your family and friends as we all struggle through continuing our lives since your passing.

I reached my limit. My demons found me. I hit rock bottom. Then, I began to pull myself together and you send me a sunflower; a bright shining light to embrace and draw nutrients from. Someone to help my light shine, to reenergize my soul.

She has helps me through my grieving process in unimaginable ways. I am free to discuss you and our relationship with her. She’s held me as I’ve cried. She’s listed to my anger and confusion. She’s been my rock when I need strength.

She’s helped me create a new story. Together, she and I, are working through our hardships. We are facing life head on. I am thankful for her.

We are writing our new paths together. There have been so many new adventures. So many new chapters. I crave to continue growing with her.

There are many times my mind runs to you. Often, in these moments, I have complex emotions of grief and guilt. I am still coping with my grief of losing you. I am twinged with guilt of missing you, yet loving her.

It’s a hard line to walk. How could I love two women so immensely at the same time? How could I possibly choose her over you or you over her? How is any of this fair to her?

I take a deep breath. I remember, you have made that choice for me already. You removed yourself on your own accord. You have taken yourself out of the equation. Yet, you are still such a huge part of my life.

She is so great at understanding that as I may grieve over you, you are not her competition but her blessing. As tricky as it may be, without you being a part of my story I don’t think she and I would be a match.

She has told me, more than once, she hopes she makes you proud. She hopes she meets your standards. I am positive she exceeds them! She is truly a gift I am thankful to continue my life with.

Thank you for everything you have done and continue to do for me. I’m learning grief is simply leftover love we can no loner give in person but only in spirit. Your loss has definitely taught me some very hard lessons but at the same time caused me to bloom in the rain.

The Art of Mourning

I sit here still mourning you. The loss of once was. The loss of what ceases to be.

You were such a huge impact on my life. You still continue to guide me with my reflection on our time together.

I am reminded of you frequently in my day to day tasks. Almost every thing I do brings me to think of you.

Your life has ended. There’s a final date on your headstone. It’s nearly cynical how things ended. I mourn the loss of us. I grieve the path I had planned for our story.

There was so much more in store for us. You were my life. I was consumed by my love for you.

Because of you I changed. You made me see life differently. You made me see relationships from a whole new prospective.

During the last ten months I’ve went through more epic changes. Physically, you have not been here. The lack of your current presence does not mean I don’t think of you; think of us.

I’ve grown through grieving the life I knew. There are still times I frequently wish to look up and see you walking through the door. Moments I long to see your smile.

The adventures we shared with one another are highly missed. It’s surprisingly odd how the brief time we spent together making memories can affect me so deeply.

You were my Kat. You were my ride or die. You were my everything.

My love for you hasn’t diminished; it has developed into something deeper. Love can be overwhelmingly complex.

Through our relationship I learned so many things; patience, kindness, tenderness and acceptance.

Society says, everyone is placed in our life for a reason. There are so many examples why we crossed paths and became intertwined. Since the first time you spoke to me you have ran through my veins, been a constant thought.

I understand your leaving was your way of coping. Your way of not being a burden on me and the others so intricately involved in your life. I accept that you couldn’t fight anymore. It was a goodbye I wasn’t prepared to hear.

I do still love you. I always will. You have left a mark on me. You imprinted me with so much of who and what you were. I can only keep moving forward, continue my life’s course.

4 months. 122 days.

The grief comes in waves. Some days are good. Some days it knocks me on my ass.

I remember the laughs, the love and the joy we shared. At the same time, I’m inundated with the pain of loosing you.

There are times when I just want you to come home. I want to see your smile one more time. I want to hear your laugh. I want to wrap my legs around you on the motorcycle as we ride free down the highway. Your head rested on me as you sleep. Our seemingly endless conversations. The list goes on.

I am hit head on with the finality of your death. Your headstone has an end date. The realization of that hit me like a freight train recently. Your life is done.

Tears fill my eyes. They run silently down my face as I still struggle to accept the reality.

You have a new home now. You are with The Father. You are with your bamaw. I know that should bring me peace.

I fight with my emotions at times. I feel as if I’m being selfish wanting you back. I cry for more time. The truth is hard. I only saw the surface of the demons you battled. I know you fought a hard diligent cumbersome battle.

I am not angry. I struggle to understand why such a beautiful soul was daunted and tortured with such a heavy burden. It saddens me.

Fly high my angel. Soar in the sun and ride like the wind. You are my true love. Your time was up. I see you everywhere.

Knowing you changed me. Loving you moved me. Grieving you is teaching me.

You

Two months ago my world was changed forever. I said a goodbye I wasn’t ready for. I’m still not ready for it.

I’m at a place where I’m discovering myself. I’m learning my life and following a path that is unfamiliar. I walk it with firm steps. I question my future. I am firm on where I want to be.

I am thankful you gave me clarity on some of my most intimate thoughts. You saved me from myself and didn’t even realize it.

I tried my best to save you. I danced with your demons. I cherished your love. Your giving selfless soul made me understand things on the deepest level.

I still reach for you. I can only hold your memories. They are my most prized moments.

I think. I remember. I wish. I wonder.

I have learned many things. I have met new challenges. I have overcame some unimaginable things.

You’ve given me unconditional love, hope and acceptance.

I’ve let go of things I didn’t think possible.

I am better because of you.

I saw you in my dreams today.

Your memory is not gone. I think of you constantly. I long for five more minutes with you. There are so many things I miss. I know I cannot hold your hand or hear your laugh. Your smile is captured in pictures I continuously scroll through on my phone. Your voice only remains in the videos on iCloud.

There is joy laced with pain in every memory I have of you. The elation of what was, yet the agony of what will never be. My conscious reality is completely alert to the fact you’re gone. My subconscious mind calls for you as I sleep.

You’ve begun visiting me in my dreams. I smile when I see you there. I hold your hand. I indulge in the beauty of your smile. I get lost in your laughter. It’s all to real. I just want to stay there.

I awake with fear gasping for air. Tears have soaked my cheeks.

Today as I snuggled to you nestled into your neck, I was happy. It’s the happiest moment I’ve had since your pain ended. You told me I had to let you go. You said I had to move on.

You still, in your death refuse to hold me back. Only now I’m not sure if it’s you needing me to let you go in order for you or myself to be at peace.

I hear your words you repeated near the end, “I just want to go to sleep and not wake up.” Those words now have a whole new meaning. I experience you in my sleep. I simply want to stay there. There’s no pain; only the happiness is found there. When I wake you I’ve lost you all over again. The pain is back. The tears are there. My heart is ripped out of my chest once more.

Just Breathe

Tomorrow will be two weeks.

My mind constantly goes to you. How I find everyone of your tattoos sexy. The goofy huge smile you have that makes me instantly laugh. Your genuine contagious laughter that warms my heart and makes my grin every time. Those long intense hugs you give me. The way you try so hard to make me happy.

There is so much I should have said to you. There are so many decisions I question. I know I should not wonder about the what if I would haves. I know you wouldn’t want me to burden myself wondering these things.

I see you everywhere. You’re in the shower. You’re on the porch. You’re on the couch. You’re even in the kitchen. I reach for you in the bed but my hand doesn’t find you.

Kat, I still need you.

No More…

There will be no more smiles.

There will be no more laughs.

There will be no more hugs.

There will be no more kisses.

There will be no more flowers.

There will be no more snuggles.

There will be no more backwards three steps.

There will be no more hand to hold on the back of the bike.

There will be no more goodnight Jen text messages.

There will be no more I love yous.

There will be no more bourbon and red bulls.

There will be no more selfies.

There will be no more.

A Letter to My Wife

It has been twelve hours. I sit here in shock. I’m in disbelief. I know it’s an all to real horror. I know I’ll never understand. As I begin the grieving process of losing you once more, this time I know I will not see you again.

I do comprehend the reasons are the same but on a completely different magnitude. I can not even begin to claim to have any idea of how hard your decision was today. I do not blame you. I am not angry with you. I am still in your corner, only wanting to help you through the struggle. Once again I say, please, take my hand, let’s do this together.

You will continue to survive in me. Your beauty will live as I look at flowers on lawns. The times you’d stop in the middle of traffic to pick me a handful. Your smile will be as unending as your silly selfie faces. Your infectious laughter remembered every time I go into the big stall in a bathroom, since you always wanted to come in with me. Your rebel wild side will shine with every biker I see on the road in the rain. I mean real bikers don’t let a little rain stop them. But, my absolute favorite memories are of your hugs, always so meaningful, long and overflowing with love.

It’s time to fly. You’ve became my Harley riding angel. I’ll listen for you.

My girl. My love. My wife…My Kat.