4 months. 122 days.

The grief comes in waves. Some days are good. Some days it knocks me on my ass.

I remember the laughs, the love and the joy we shared. At the same time, I’m inundated with the pain of loosing you.

There are times when I just want you to come home. I want to see your smile one more time. I want to hear your laugh. I want to wrap my legs around you on the motorcycle as we ride free down the highway. Your head rested on me as you sleep. Our seemingly endless conversations. The list goes on.

I am hit head on with the finality of your death. Your headstone has an end date. The realization of that hit me like a freight train recently. Your life is done.

Tears fill my eyes. They run silently down my face as I still struggle to accept the reality.

You have a new home now. You are with The Father. You are with your bamaw. I know that should bring me peace.

I fight with my emotions at times. I feel as if I’m being selfish wanting you back. I cry for more time. The truth is hard. I only saw the surface of the demons you battled. I know you fought a hard diligent cumbersome battle.

I am not angry. I struggle to understand why such a beautiful soul was daunted and tortured with such a heavy burden. It saddens me.

Fly high my angel. Soar in the sun and ride like the wind. You are my true love. Your time was up. I see you everywhere.

Knowing you changed me. Loving you moved me. Grieving you is teaching me.

You

Two months ago my world was changed forever. I said a goodbye I wasn’t ready for. I’m still not ready for it.

I’m at a place where I’m discovering myself. I’m learning my life and following a path that is unfamiliar. I walk it with firm steps. I question my future. I am firm on where I want to be.

I am thankful you gave me clarity on some of my most intimate thoughts. You saved me from myself and didn’t even realize it.

I tried my best to save you. I danced with your demons. I cherished your love. Your giving selfless soul made me understand things on the deepest level.

I still reach for you. I can only hold your memories. They are my most prized moments.

I think. I remember. I wish. I wonder.

I have learned many things. I have met new challenges. I have overcame some unimaginable things.

You’ve given me unconditional love, hope and acceptance.

I’ve let go of things I didn’t think possible.

I am better because of you.

I saw you in my dreams today.

Your memory is not gone. I think of you constantly. I long for five more minutes with you. There are so many things I miss. I know I cannot hold your hand or hear your laugh. Your smile is captured in pictures I continuously scroll through on my phone. Your voice only remains in the videos on iCloud.

There is joy laced with pain in every memory I have of you. The elation of what was, yet the agony of what will never be. My conscious reality is completely alert to the fact you’re gone. My subconscious mind calls for you as I sleep.

You’ve begun visiting me in my dreams. I smile when I see you there. I hold your hand. I indulge in the beauty of your smile. I get lost in your laughter. It’s all to real. I just want to stay there.

I awake with fear gasping for air. Tears have soaked my cheeks.

Today as I snuggled to you nestled into your neck, I was happy. It’s the happiest moment I’ve had since your pain ended. You told me I had to let you go. You said I had to move on.

You still, in your death refuse to hold me back. Only now I’m not sure if it’s you needing me to let you go in order for you or myself to be at peace.

I hear your words you repeated near the end, “I just want to go to sleep and not wake up.” Those words now have a whole new meaning. I experience you in my sleep. I simply want to stay there. There’s no pain; only the happiness is found there. When I wake you I’ve lost you all over again. The pain is back. The tears are there. My heart is ripped out of my chest once more.

Just Breathe

Tomorrow will be two weeks.

My mind constantly goes to you. How I find everyone of your tattoos sexy. The goofy huge smile you have that makes me instantly laugh. Your genuine contagious laughter that warms my heart and makes my grin every time. Those long intense hugs you give me. The way you try so hard to make me happy.

There is so much I should have said to you. There are so many decisions I question. I know I should not wonder about the what if I would haves. I know you wouldn’t want me to burden myself wondering these things.

I see you everywhere. You’re in the shower. You’re on the porch. You’re on the couch. You’re even in the kitchen. I reach for you in the bed but my hand doesn’t find you.

Kat, I still need you.

No More…

There will be no more smiles.

There will be no more laughs.

There will be no more hugs.

There will be no more kisses.

There will be no more flowers.

There will be no more snuggles.

There will be no more backwards three steps.

There will be no more hand to hold on the back of the bike.

There will be no more goodnight Jen text messages.

There will be no more I love yous.

There will be no more bourbon and red bulls.

There will be no more selfies.

There will be no more.

A Letter to My Wife

It has been twelve hours. I sit here in shock. I’m in disbelief. I know it’s an all to real horror. I know I’ll never understand. As I begin the grieving process of losing you once more, this time I know I will not see you again.

I do comprehend the reasons are the same but on a completely different magnitude. I can not even begin to claim to have any idea of how hard your decision was today. I do not blame you. I am not angry with you. I am still in your corner, only wanting to help you through the struggle. Once again I say, please, take my hand, let’s do this together.

You will continue to survive in me. Your beauty will live as I look at flowers on lawns. The times you’d stop in the middle of traffic to pick me a handful. Your smile will be as unending as your silly selfie faces. Your infectious laughter remembered every time I go into the big stall in a bathroom, since you always wanted to come in with me. Your rebel wild side will shine with every biker I see on the road in the rain. I mean real bikers don’t let a little rain stop them. But, my absolute favorite memories are of your hugs, always so meaningful, long and overflowing with love.

It’s time to fly. You’ve became my Harley riding angel. I’ll listen for you.

My girl. My love. My wife…My Kat.